Dil, Dosti Etc.

Watched Class of ’84 yesterday. And it was, like they say, “Paisa Vasool”.

The play begins when seven friends meet up as a group for the first time in twenty-two years after their eighth friend dies. And they talk, reliving old memories, burying old hatchets and digging up new ones. Although it has no storyline in particular, it tells many stories in that short span of ninety minutes. It talks of adjustments in marriages, of unconsummated love stories, of prolonged singlehood, of successful and unsuccessful careers and their vices, of secrets untold, and a lot more. But most importantly, it deals with friendships. Not just how they start off and end, but also all that happens in between.

And, as always, I was forced to think.

I am twenty-three, and not thirty-nine, like the characters in the play. And yet, I know I don’t have to wait for sixteen more years to witness the ups-and-downs in friendship. But, when I look back sixteen years later, I will definitely ask myself how much of a role I had to play in keeping, or breaking, any relationship that I experienced.

People say that I ‘nurture relationships beautifully’. That I do the best I can to keep them intact. The general idea is that to maintain a bond, one needs to give unconditionally, and give happily. What bugs me is that this is exactly what I have been doing, for all the relationships that matter to me - and yet, not all of them have turned out successful. In fact, sometimes when I think of all the ties that soured in the last two years, I actually start questioning myself, and my integrity in them. It pains me like crazy when I think of those friends…of Ally, of Aalap…and…maybe even Ron. I don’t understand why, despite my best efforts, these bonds withered away. Sometimes I wish, like a stupid little four-year old who lives in the world of fairy-tales, that a beautiful fairy would come down from the heavens, and set things right with a simple swish of her wand.

But then, I wonder…have I ever, ever done anything, to initiate this disintegration? No matter how hard I struggle to find a ‘yes’, I always fail. And I know that when I look back, at the age of forty, or even earlier or later, this ‘failure’ to find an answer in the affirmative, is something I’ll always be proud of. Because somehow, despite being an only child, and having most of…heck,let’s face it, ALL of my whims and fancies fulfilled, and sitting like a queen on the lap of luxuries, I have been lucky enough to value everything and everyone in my life. I do not build relationships for my own vested interests – I build relationships with those I love, because they deserve to be loved. And if they turn away, yes, it does hurt really badly, but I have a feeling, that someday, when Ally, Aalap…and…most definitely Ron…look back on their lives, and think of me, they will wish that it was one bond they had kept, and not allowed to wither. I am not saying I will have the last laugh; friendship is not about laughing at someone when you know you are right and your friend is wrong. But I know that I will never feel guilty.

I know all my blog posts are, and all of them in future will be, stuffed and encrusted with emotions. To many, I probably sound like an emotional, idealistic idiot. Maybe I am one. But my absolute loyalty, obstinacy and genuineness go hand in hand with my emotions, my idealism and my idiocy – like it, or lump it. I’ll admit unabashedly that at times when my relationships go sour, I feel like I am a very wrong person. But that feeling passes in a while. What remains, is the confidence that some years down the line, when I look back on all the people in my life, I will not be the one harbouring guilt. Because come what may, I will remain the person who knows how to value relationships and people. Forever.

Much Love,

Me.